The Ninja Squid

My 20 All-time Favorite Asian Horror Films (Sort of) - Part Two

2012-02-12T17:07:00.000-08:00

Hiruko the Goblin

Dir. Shinya Tsukamoto (1991 Japan)

Shinya Tsukamoto has made a great many highly regarded films. I'm not entirely sure that this is one of them. It has a 49% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and audience reviews have said that it's "incoherent""cheesy" and most frequently "Tsukamoto's weakest film".
Obviously, I think that's bullshit.
Sure, it's not for everybody. But if it's not for you, then you're not for me. Shine on, brother!

First of all, the sheer amount of balls-to-the-wall yelling in this movie is mind-blowing. If you like watching men scream like little girls, this may be the film for you. Honestly, more horror films should have copious screaming in them. If I saw a human head walking around "The Thing"-style, I'd lose my shit too, and I think that's perfectly reasonable.

Second, Kenji Sawada's performance as the dorkiest archeologist ever is so completely endearing. He's definitely not hero material, which is awesome. He's actually in two movies on my favorite's list, and he's not in too many films, so he really knows how to pick 'em.

Then, you have the crazy practical effects. Matte paintings, make-up, special effects, this movie's got it all. They're extremely surreal, but they really hold up, in my opinion. It's really something that could have only been born in the early 90's. Any later, and it may have ended up cg, and the charm would

have been lost. The whole look of the film just really appeals to me.

I'll champion this movie any day.

Come at me, bro.

2012-02-07T17:44:00.000-08:00

Hey Squids!

I just got a new job in the real world, and it's slowing me down a little bit. But I promise I'll return with Part II of my super sweet "Favorite Asian Horror Films" list very soon!

- The Ninja Squid

My 20 All-time Favorite Asian Horror Films (Sort of) - Part One

2012-01-19T13:46:00.000-08:00

Before I jump face-first into the premier post of a series covering my love of Asian horror films, there are some guidelines that I set for myself, so that it would end, eventually.

This particular blog list doesn’t really cover splatter, torture, dark sci-fi or fantasy films with moments of horror. As much as I adore these films, I’m really trying to focus on truly frightening and challenging films without these elements, or that keep these elements to a minimum. So as you'll see, there will be a lot of ghosts.

Also, let me just tell you my views on movie lists. This is purely based on my opinions and preferences. I’m not saying that these are the very best films of the genre, or that I feel my opinion is more important than anyone who disagrees with me. It think it's presumptuous when someone makes a list of the “best” of anything and implies that his/her favorites should be your favorites as well. All I'm trying to do is to hopefully share a few films with you that you may have not seen, or to make a case for some films that don’t get the recognition that I feel they deserve.

These films are in no particular order. In some instances, I talk about my favorites in an entire sub-category or series because there are just too many fantastic examples to list individually, and I get over-eager.
Onward.

Sweet Home

Dir. Kiyoshi Kurosawa (1989, Japan)

As well-known and beloved as Kiyoshi Kurosawa is to horror fans, I rarely hear anyone talking about this gem. As you can imagine, it's not exactly your typical haunted house story, and occasionally feels pretty surreal. I was extremely hung-over the first time I watched this, and thought that a second watch may prove that I was trippin' balls and it was nothing like I remembered. I was wrong.

The basic premise is commonplace enough. A documentary film crew moves into the abandoned mansion of a deceased artist in order to restore and document his newly-discovered frescoes. It almost immediately transitions from a soft-focused dream to a fever- induced nightmare.

Nobuko Miyamoto (Tampopo, A Taxing Woman) is really the heroine of the film, and she absolutely owns it. The mother-daughter relationship between Miyamoto and and her love-interest's teenager (played by Nokko), and the bond between the ghostly mother and child makes this an unusually female-centric film.

One of the truly unique things about Sweet Home is that it was released in conjunction with a Capcom RPG of the same name. The console game is interesting in it’s own right, being one of the first survival horror games ever, and also one of the most difficult, frustrating and fun console games that I have ever played.

Also incredibly cool is that legendary make-up effects artist Dick Smith had a hand in the truly gruesome practical effects. Man, I really miss the hyper-real, creative film effects of the 1980's.
If only they would make a comeback, I would probably work a lot more steadily.

I've read that the producer of the movie, film legend and husband of Nobuko Miyamoto, Juzo Imato, removed and replaced many scenes of the original theatrical cut of the film, and that the original version still exists somewhere in the vaults at Toho Studios. Dare to dream.

Midnight Ballad for Ghost Theater

Dir. Jeon Kye-Su (2006, S. Korea)

"Oh. They're singing."
That was what I thought when I started watching this for the first time. It's extremely rare that I enjoy a musical. Even more rare that I enjoy a horror musical. But seriously, a comedy horror musical? Oh no. No, I don’t think so. Yet surprisingly, I totally enjoyed it.

A young woman, searching for her grandmother begins working in a struggling movie theater, haunted by ghosts that refuse to leave until Korea's first, and previously unseen monster film is shown. A film within a film. Intriguing, no?
Most of the main actors play three separate and very different characters in one film. I was an instant fan of all of them after watching this, especially Jo Hei-Bong. There are scenes which play out almost as a totally irreverent children's film, and then quickly gets back into very adult territory.

I can't really think of another film to compare it to, which may be why I've read some comparisons to the recent films of Tim Burton. I haven't enjoyed anything he's directed in a very long time, so I don't think that's accurate. However, since horror musicals with comic elements are few and far between, they may have been clutching at straws. Straws that are black and white striped, and have Johnny Depp in them.

I think the reason that I don't enjoy many modern musicals is that I feel that the songs don't really hold up on their own. They're just words strung together with a half-hearted tune. It makes me cringe. The music is ridiculously catchy in Midnight Ballad for Ghost Theater. So catchy in fact, I even bought the OST. Now I rock out alone, or confuse my friends with it.

Noroi (The Curse)

Dir. Koji Shiraishi (2005, Japan)

Documentary-style horror films are seldom done correctly. I was so bored during Paranormal Activity, that I started getting angry. But brother, when one is done right, it’s almost guaranteed to scare the pants off of me. Noroi is one of those films. The performances are convincing, and while the pace is slow, it's deliberate.

I'm a big fan of the super slow build-up with an excellent and shocking pay-off, and this film delivers that in spades. There is some seriously creepy imagery in this film, but don't get too scared. There's also a man in a tin foil hat.

Shiraishi has since directed two other films (Shiromi and Occult) in a very similar style, with a lesser degree of success in my opinion. Some weird digital effects are not what you want to see in a movie that's filmed like a documentary, know what I mean?

So, this list was meant to be a single post, but it's obviously not, and now I’m not sure exactly how many it’ll end up being. I think I got a little out of control. I’ve never really covered any horror films on Ninja Squid, and I’m a little excited. I'll be back soon with Part 2.

What I've Been Watching While Ignoring This Blog

2011-12-28T17:29:00.000-08:00

Whoah, man!

It's been almost 2 whole months since I've updated, and I'm sorry about that. But just because I haven't been updating, doesn't mean I haven't been watching. I've been revisiting quite a few films that I haven't seen in a while, and squeezing in some new ones as well.

Here are a few of them.

The Ghost Story of the Snow Witch (1968)

They Wait (2007)

Gantz: Perfect Answer (2011)

Nightmare Detective (2006)

A Devilish Murder (1965)

Rouge (1988)

Samurai Reincarnation (1981)

The Dragon from Russia (1990)

Zebraman 2: Attack on Zebra City (2010)

The Phantom Killer (1981)

Hiruko the Goblin (1991)

No Ma'am: The Infuriating Phenomenon of Poorly Written Female Characters in Hong Kong Fantasy Films

2011-10-29T16:58:00.000-07:00

Few things dampen my enthusiasm for a film faster. Everything is rolling along nicely, and then she appears: the female lead. Great.

Oh please, don't make her atone for her misdeeds. She's simply too beautiful to die!

Let me see, what is it going to be this time? Is she going to pout, stomp and coerce the other characters into letting her accompany them on a journey that she's going to bitch about every step of the way?

Falsely accusing someone of sexual assault is charming. She bites the dust midway through the film, and to my delight, is not mentioned again.

Or maybe she's going to trick, seduce and kill one of the other lead characters?

I killed your best friend, but I know that you still like me. I love him, but I could gripe about Chang Cheh's female characters all day.

How about if she's infuriatingly mouthy, but super vulnerable and must be rescued by a more capable male character?

I will magically transform from a completely unsympathetic "lady of the night", to a woman you'd certainly bring home to mother, right before your very eyes!

You can usually figure out which one of these scenarios it's going to be fairly early in the film, because there are really only a few purposes for the female lead to serve in most HK fantasy films, and I've seen it play out too many times.

They get married later. Lucky guy.

I strongly resent that this phenomena has made me dread the appearance of a female in many of the films I watch. I'm a woman. I love women! In reality, the one dimensional writing of these characters is the underlying problem, rather than the acting itself. Although, I really still despise the pouty princess face. You know the one.

You're better than that. Stop it.

When Moon Lee's nameless female guard repeatedly punches Di Ming Qi (Yuen Biao) in Zu Warriors from the Magic Mountain, it's not cute at all. It's completely without reason, and it looks like it hurts. A lot. But, I am very aware that it's supposed to be cute, because it's rare to see a male character that whines and punches other dudes in the face for no reason. Women don't act like that in reality, children do. Is that how the filmmaker sees women? Do they even care? Am I reading into things?

Baffling.

There are, of course, notable exceptions. Demon of the Lute, Deadful Melody, The Magic Crane, A Chinese Ghost Story, etc., have really effective, powerful and multi-faceted female leads. Actresses like Rosamund Kwan, Anita Mui and Brigitte Lin, that have strong screen presence also always seem to find a way to add extra dimension and humanity to an otherwise cardboard character.

I am well aware that you have saved my life many times, but you're getting on my over-privileged nerves, and I never want to see you again.

I apologize if this sounds like a rant, but being that this is one of my favorite film genres, and that I'm a woman, I feel like I'm hyper-aware of the follies the writers and filmmakers make over and over again. Maybe it's just a culture difference that makes me scratch my head at these pitiful caricatures of the "weaker sex", or maybe the women are considered throwaway characters that are around simply to further the plot in any way necessary. Maybe extreme bitchiness is attractive, or maybe they're just so foxy, that male moviegoers don't care.
Maybe I'm just being oversensitive.
Women, you know?

Stunt Wigs of Despair, Part 1

2011-10-04T17:46:00.000-07:00

"Don't worry, no one will EVER notice".

This is what I like to think filmmakers say when they make very poor choices. One very poor choice that many HK action film directors make is telling themselves that no one will notice how bad wigs on their stuntmen and women are. Occasionally they are exceptionally bad. I would like to share a couple of these coifs with you.

Doctor Vampire (1991)

Dracula? Dracula.

This is goofy white Dracula. He's got long blonde hair.

Simple enough, right? Wrong.

Naturally, goofy white Dracula is completely horrified.

Madam City Hunter (1993)

I'm pretty sure we're all familiar with Anthony Wong here, right?

What do you think? Ridiculous or ridiculously awesome? I have a hard time answering that question myself.

Happy International Anthony Wong Day!

2011-08-12T17:44:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody, it's International Anthony Wong Day! I'm just kidding, that is NOT a thing that exists in real life.
However, I did have a dream last night that I had to rescue Anthony Wong from Angry Birds at San Diego Comic-con (I don't even know), so I thought it would be a good time to do an appreciation post.

Ladies and Gents, the many faces of Anthony Wong, pt. 1:

Beast Cops

A Lamb in Despair

Exiled

Infernal Affairs

Sweet Revenge

Vengeance

Initial D

Legend of the Fist

Full Contact

Kingdom of the Mob

House of Fury

Hong Kong History X

Fist Power

The Underground Banker

Madam City Hunter

McDull: The Alumni

There are a bunch of movies that are still in limbo in boxes around the new house, and I can't bring myself to unpack them all for the life of me. Anyway, this'll have to do for now, I have serious shit to do.

Moving is a bitch.

2011-07-27T11:16:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been off the grid lately, Squids. Moving into a new house has proved more time consuming than I had hoped. It seems like everything just wants to break the minute we walk in the door.
I just wanted to let you know that I'll be back soon with more Ninja Squid nonsense.

Lessons in Drinking Pt.1: Return of the Sentimental Swordsman

2011-07-01T23:04:00.000-07:00

Drinking plays a fairly large part in many classic kung fu and wuxia films. Heck, sometimes you can even learn a thing or two from the boozed up characters, and apply these lessons to your everyday life.
Let's take a look at Return of the Sentimental Swordsman, shall we?

Lesson 1: Relief

Alcohol is excellent at offering a short solace from the things that ail us. Troubles in finance and love seem to all but disappear when our old friend booze takes over.

Lesson 2: Moderation

Sometimes, it's difficult to know when you've "had enough". Awkward social situations and tough times emotionally can make it even more difficult. Unfortunately, you may then experience Lesson 3.

Lesson 3: Penance

Yes, many people feel depressed the morning after a long night of drinking. Alcohol is a depressant after all, and the shame of the ridiculous shit you did the night before, paired with the physical pain of the hangover itself can be quite awful. Thankfully, there is a way to get through this.

Lesson 4: Rest and Relaxation

Sleep. It works like a charm.

Lesson 5: Patience

Just because you want a drink, doesn't mean that you can have one. Work, school, and children may derail even the most devoted lushes from imbibing on his or her's favorite beverage. Never fear, however. 5 o'clock is just around the corner!

Lesson 6: Friendship

Do people tell you that you have a problem? Perhaps that you drink too much? That's where a good friend comes in. A true comrade won't condemn your abuse of the hooch, but confirm what you've known all along. That "sometimes it's necessary to get drunk".

Until next time my fellow squids, cheers!

Choy Lee Fuuuuuuu

2011-06-05T22:16:00.000-07:00

Choy Lee Fut, huh? More like Choy Lee fuck this movie. Yes, I feel pretty strongly about my hatred of this film. I watched this movie while drinking, and it killed my buzz faster than I ever thought possible. Shocking. It's shocking in it's badness, so I feel absolutely no remorse for going apeshit on this movie.

The plot of this film is unimportant. It's the typical little guy vs. big corporation story that can be really fun, but not in this case. Hilariously, the film opens up in some mythical representation of England that is filled with people of ambiguous ethnicity, and can only be described as ridiculous.

Hey everybody, it's England! See? England! There's a telephone box, so it must be legit!

Sammo Hung pops in for a beer, and then he's gone, and for basically the rest of the movie, so don't get too excited. Once in China, things don't get much better. Yuen Wah actually has a very funny introduction, but it's the only entertaining scene of the movie so, once again, don't get too excited.

Imagine, if you will, that this child is the movie, and Yuen Wah is trying to save it.

As we get to know the main characters, we don't give a flying fuck about them. Lau Wing Kin is actually pretty likable, but I wasn't aware that Asian skin tones could get so ashy when bad make-up has been applied. It looks like the make-up artist broke into Louis Koo's bronzer.


Sweet popped collar, bro.

The only thing that I remember about Lau Wing Kin's wife in the film is that she whines pretty much always.

She makes this face for almost 2 hours.

She's really not the biggest problem I have with this movie, though. Oh no, that honor goes to the completely bullshit, uninteresting and ultimately irritating love story. The audience is subject to garbage like a soft focus, "first date" montage that made the bile that was rising in the back of my throat finally hit my teeth, AND the montage of the weird praying mantis-like love interest spazz dancing in front of a mirror.

Duckface? Are you serious movie?

Like a shitty senior photo shoot.

There's enough bronzer, popped collars and duck face in this movie to feel like you're watching a particularly boring episode of Jersey Shore.
I don't remember anything about the fighting in the film, except that some of it was in front of a terrible cg background, they often played a truly dreadful rap song about choy lee fut, and that I didn't care who won or lost. At all.

Horrible cg is abound.

I realized so many things that are wrong with recent martial arts movies while watching this. Directors need to learn how to effectively use awesome old martial arts actors, or their presence just depresses me. Writers need to learn how to script a likable female lead immediately, or I'm going in the kitchen and never coming out again.

I could talk about how much I hated this movie all day long, but I'm already dying inside, so I'd better just let it go.

Is It Just Me?

2011-05-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

I will be MIA for a week or so due to my seemingly constant search for new roommates. Thanks to my old (shitty) roommates, the repair to the empty rooms is substantial and really not fun. Now I have to devote some real time to fixing them up, but in the meantime: a question.

I've been seeing this pulp-style poster for "True Legend" around a lot lately, and I can't help thinking that Andy On (the bald fella in the background) looks an awful lot like Chung Fat in this poster. He's never even remotely resembled Chung Fat before, so I don't know what that's all about. Weird angles? Photoshop? My overactive imagination?
I'm fixing to watch "True Legend" soon to investigate. But, I mean, look at the poster. Am I wrong?

Chung Fat

Andy On in True Legend

P.S. Chung Fat fucking rules.

Chiang Sheng goes to the Dentist

2011-05-01T20:57:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post, here.
It's no secret that Chiang Sheng is one of my favorite Venoms. From what I've read, it seems that he had a difficult, and ultimately sad life. So, I decided to do something nice for him, and take him to the dentist.

Before

After

You can thank me later, big guy.

Another Disappointing Experience

2011-03-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

Until last weekend, I had never seen a Shaw Brothers film in a theater, and I thought I may never have the opportunity. Imagine my delight when I found out that "Avenging Eagle" and "The Duel" were playing at the New Beverly Cinema (a great revival theater), right here in LA! "Finally" I thought. "Finally I'll get to actually watch these movies with other kung fu fans!"
Wrongish.
Not only was the theater less than half full (despite the fact that Quentin Tarantino himself chose the programming and introduced the films), but it was clear by audience reactions that none of these people were even remotely familiar with this genre of film. The only actor that got any sort of applause from the audience during the previews or the films was Lee Van Cleef during the "Stranger and the Gunfighter" trailer.
Lee Van Cleef!
Lo Lieh? Who's that? There was even a muffled giggle when he came on the screen. I still don't know what that was about. I couldn't hold back a "WHOOT!" when Tarantino mentioned Fu Sheng after "Avenging Eagle", seeing as during the credits, no one clapped for either Fu Sheng or Ti Lung. Someone had to represent.
The audience laughed heartily during "Avenging Eagle" (Ku Feng was killing people for some reason), but during "The Duel", which was dubbed, the few people who had actually stayed for the film were laughing like crazy. Of course there are hilarious moments in many Shaw Brothers flicks, I mean sometimes the wigs alone are enough. I'd feel differently if I thought they also appreciated the films, but I wasn't getting that impression. I mean, come on. How many times can you really laugh at someone scaling an impossibly high wall? It happens so many times in so many SB flicks that you'd think the audience would get tired of laughing. You'd be wrong.
There were in the audience, I'm sure, a couple of real fans. Really quiet fans. This definitely includes the guy wearing an "Avenging Eagle" t-shirt and sitting in the front row. Kudos to you, my friend. And much to my surprise and delight, Quentin Tarantino did actually impress me with his knowledge and his appreciation for the films.
As a fitting end to the somewhat disappointing evening, the theater was playing "Friday" after the Shaw Brothers double feature, and the line was around the block. Then I mysteriously got explosive diarrhea. WTF.
*Ahem*. Anyway, here's what I'm trying to say: I thought there would be more people there, and I thought they would be more familiar and appreciative of the genre. I got the feeling that most people there just wanted to see Tarantino, or have a laugh.
In my everyday life, I'd already given up trying to persuade people to understand why I enjoy these films so much. I never thought I'd have to put up with that same feeling of isolation while watching them with an audience in a revival theater.

A Very Disappointing Experience

2011-02-20T21:00:00.000-08:00

Late last year, I embarked on an exciting whirlwind cross-country trip with my boyfriend and mother. We saw some incredibly strange things, so very little was out of the realm of possibility. The three of us stopped at a Chinese restaurant in the middle of a run-down town in Arizona to get grub on our way back to California, and I got such a shock! They turned the television on, and I saw something very familiar to me. The Shaw Brothers logo! But from there, things got so terribly disappointing. Allow me to elaborate with a comic in the popular four panel format.

Fucking Kill Bill.

Screencaps are a real delight to me.

2011-02-05T16:43:00.000-08:00

I was going to finish this long post I had been writing about how much I love Kara Hui, but I ran out of steam. I'll finish it in the next couple of days.
Actually, I have a lot of half finished posts I need to wrap up.
In the meantime:

David Chiang is freaked out.

Hwang Jeong-min has meat on his face.


Art thou tainted!

And not a single fuck was given that day.

In Plain Sight

2011-01-22T21:01:00.000-08:00

I was watching the semi-bearable "Ninja Killer" a couple of nights after doing my Lau Kar-Wing post, and was treated with a little surprise! I can't imagine how I hadn't noticed this the first time I had watched it (probably because I was sleeping), but holy shit. There is an entire fight where Cuneyt Arkin's undies are on display for all to see.

Aquamarine. Good choice.

I mean, there are several edits in this fight, and I can clearly see his underwear in all of them. I guess no one thought it was important enough to fix? I don't have answers. I just have screencaps. And questions... so many questions.

Cuneyt Arkin remains unconcerned.

In Praise of Lau Kar Wing, or: Leave This Mans Nipples Alone

2011-01-08T11:46:00.000-08:00

It took a really long time for my friends to convince me to watch "Kung Pow". Leaving it on top of my dvd player and asking me every damn day if I'd watched it yet didn't do the trick. Then, something wonderful happened. I was looking up the original Jimmy Wang Yu film "Tiger and Crane Fists", and discovered that Lau Kar Wing was in it. Awesome, I love that guy! Then I watched it. Shit.

Oh man, poor Lau Kar Wing.

When I later tried to explain to my non-kung fu initiated friends, they really didn't buy that "Wimp Lo" was actually totally awesome. He comes from a whole family of awesome! He's directed, action directed, and acted in so much awesome! No luck. Seriously, I never want to hear "my nipples look like milk duds" ever again. Frustrated, I decided to prove my point by showing them some the many films with Lau Kar Wing that prove that he's got sweet moves, weird nipples or no. It pretty much proved my point, so I thought I'd share:

5 Films In Which Lau Kar Wing Excels in Being a Badass

Knockabout

This is probably my favorite all-time performance of his. He not only holds his own with Sammo Hung, Yuen Biao and Leung Kar Yan, but has the best fight scenes in the film, in my opinion.

Legendary Weapons of China

Fantastic fights with his brother in this one. I'll admit, it wasn't until I saw this movie that I realized they were two separate people. How could I have been so silly?

Dirty Tiger, Crazy Frog

Great comedy/action with Sammo Hung. They really make a fun comedy/action team.

The Odd Couple

More great stuff with Sammo Hung. I love that they each play two characters: master and pupil.

Shaolin Mantis

Some nice stuff with David Chiang. He's really great with that opium pipe.

I still can't get them to stop calling him "Milk Duds", but whatever, small victories. I'll take what I can get.

Lau Kar Wing's HKCinemagic Profile

I often feel this way.

2010-11-02T19:45:00.000-07:00

....Did we just become best friends?

2010-06-24T00:14:00.000-07:00

Ten Tigers from West Texas?

2010-02-26T12:46:00.000-08:00

I love the tendency of kung fu films to borrow music from old westerns. It really makes the mind wander.....

Let's Play a Game!

2010-02-25T15:32:00.000-08:00

I just got this bad boy, and I'm really hoping that I can find someone to party on it with me.

The Murder, She Wrote board game!

You can be Jessica and I'll be the perp'. Whaddya say?!

Why Crippled Avengers is Still Relevant in a World full of Wire-fu and Digital Trickery or 10 Reasons why I Love Crippled Avengers

2009-11-12T23:53:00.000-08:00

If you haven't seen Crippled Avengers yet, hopefully you'll want to after reading this. I'll give you a little synopsis to tempt you.

A once noble kung fu expert, made bitter by the murder of his wife and the loss of his son's hands, terrorizes and mercilessly bullies a small town. In turn three regular men stand up to him and his son (who is now equipped with fierce metal hands) and are crippled by them, essentially, for fun. When a fourth hero steps in to take revenge for them, he too is crippled and all of the men seek out his Master for help. After three years of training, they return to the town to face their common enemy.

It's a fantastic movie, and easily one of the best kung fu films of all time. It holds up magnificently to any martial arts film in recent memory, and certainly it's a classic of the genre.

Here's why I think Crippled Avengers is so Bitchin':

The Fighting
The fight choreography and acrobatic feats in this movie are breathtaking. It's so much more impressive to see someone defying gravity without the help of wires or computers. The entire cast fights with a weird sort of gritty grace, if that makes sense. Very impressive, even if you have no knowledge of kung fu films, it's obvious that what these fellas can do is very special.

Chang Cheh's Direction
The man is a legend, and this movie proves why. A simple story, a talented cast, and period setting and you've got a masterpiece of kung fu cinema thanks to this man.

It's Undeniable Influence on MANY Martial Arts and Action Films to Come
There were so many times during my initial viewing of this that I thought "ah, so that's where they got that idea". There's no doubt about why it's so influential, and I certainly can't blame anyone for waning to imitate some of it's magic. Even if they fail, and they usually do.

The Venoms are Badasses
I can't even tell you how much I love these guys. Their group dynamic is something that most likely won't ever be seen again in kung fu flicks, and I don't know that anything before can compare to it either. Once again, kudos to Chang Cheh for realizing how wonderful they were together and allowing ample time, especially in this film, to showcase all of their unique and impressive talents.

The Underdog's Revenge
It's a pretty familiar formula: A group of ragtag underdogs take on a powerful bully. But it's done so effectively in this movie, that you don't even care! The villain's reasons for becoming so cruel are even shown at the beginning of the film, and it's admittedly pretty brutal. But you still kind of hate the guy. If you didn't, it wouldn't be nearly as much fun watching him get his ass pounded by our crippled heroes!

Limited use of Special Effects
Sometimes a movie just doesn't need an explosion. The strangely comforting kung fu sounds of swords swooping and fists punching provide all of the over-the-top effects that I need.

Romance? No thanks!
Have you ever watched a movie where it feels like the romantic elements are sort of out of place? They don't fit with the rest of the film that would have been fine, or maybe even better without them? Me too, all the damn time. I don't necessarily hate movies with silly romance side plots (there are actually a lot of fine Shaw films that have them) but it's nice to watch a movie that doesn't feel like it HAS to have one if it doesn't further the plot along in some way. The film replaces romance with a healthy dose of dude companionship. And fighting.

The Training Sequences
There's nothing wrong with a little montage. Any good revenge film has a scene where our hero(es) are getting themselves ready for battle. But this Crippled Avenger takes it to the next level by making this half of the movie. This is great news for the viewer because watching the "venoms" show off their talents is a real treat. Example, the scene with the iron rings. So damn awesome.

Chiang Sheng's Amazing Performance as the Idiot
Okay, I'll admit, he's my favorite "venom", but before I watched Crippled Avengers the only other "venoms" film I had seen was "Five Deadly Venoms", and Chiang Sheng didn't make much of an impression on me in that. However, he quickly became my favorite after watching his fantastic performance in this film. His character, after his unfortunate confrontation with our villain, is funny, frustrating and saddening all at the same time. Really great stuff.

The Iron Claws
The iron hands that Lu Feng wears in this movie are epic. They're so good that they used them again in "Life Gamble". That man can fight using any weapon that you can imagine, and his iron hands are no exception.

Whew. Now that I've finished my public declaration of love for Crippled Avengers I can finally go paint. If you don't feel like waiting to rent or buy this fine film (I understand instant gratification), you can always watch it on youtube. Hooray for technology!

Demon of the Lute

2009-10-15T15:20:00.000-07:00

I've been spending a lot of time watching Shaw Brothers kung fu movies lately. I'm ashamed to say that I hadn't previously seen many of them, and in trying to make up for lost time I've been scouring the internet watching every movie that's even remotely involved with the Venom Mob, which has kind of been my jumping off point. One of these movies, I'm very happy to say was "Demon of the Lute".

The only review I had read said that it's moderately enjoyable if you realize that it's a children's film. I guess maybe the reviewer was expecting a more straightforward kung fu flick, but I had seen a trailer, and it was clear to me that this was also an early eighties fantasy flick, which I'm a total sucker for, so I was definitely in.

My god. This movie made me feel like I was 12 years old, but maybe trippin' balls at the same time. I'm not going to even bother talking much about the story because honestly, it takes a total backseat to the fighting, score and super sweet visual effects. I am however going to post a lot of screencaps to try to express the crazy radness of this film. If you want to surprise yourself with all of the weird shit that goes on in this movie, you may not want to go any further.

Let's introduce our heroes!

Feng Ling

She's got a sweet flying sword and she's played by one of Shaw's super-babes Kara Hui. She does all kinds of super fast hand jives and it spins around and beats the shit out of people. She's on a quest for a magical bow and arrow that can defeat the evil (and totally sweet looking) lute.

What the lute actually does:

Yuan Fei

Played by Siu-hou Chin (House of Traps, Legend of the Fox, Mr. Vampire, Fist of Legend) who is repeatedly referred to as "ugly" in the film because of the heart-shaped birthmark on his face. Mm-hm.

Ding-dong and his father The Thief

The Thief is played by the awesome Phillip Kwok (Five Deadly Venoms, Crippled Avengers, a million other sweet films). Another reviewer referred to Ding-dong (seriously) as a girl, but I'm fairly certain he's a boy. He gets drunk during the second half of the movie.

They rob from the rich to give to the poor. Need 'em? That's cool, just use the bunny signal!

Old Naughty

He's Feng Ling's brother and he's also ridiculously awesome. He's drunk, his horse is drunk and he fights using a giant pair of golden scissors. Played by Yuen Tak. Totally underrated. Love that guy.

Other supporting good guys:

Skinny elf and Fatty elf

Skinny elf is nightmare-worthy, but he does piss on Yuan Fei's face and gets rid of that unsightly birthmark!

Did he just piss on you? Heck yes!

Fatty elf is actually super adorable. They give our hero a sweet sword.

Don't worry, it, uh, grows.

The Woodcutter

It is a little weird seeing some of these actors who usually play super serious parts in many Shaw Brothers films acting so ridiculously goofy, but I kind of like it. He's played by Lung Tien Hsiang.

My brain is about to explode, so I'll move on to the bad guys!

The Demon of the Lute

His army of dudes with wiggly spiders on their heads

Awesome dude with growing hair and ridiculously oversized axe

Before getting angry:

After getting angry:

Lee Hoi San looks weird with hair anyway, so this is just ridiculous.

Viking and Hermaphrodite

Old Long Arms, Killer Hunchbacks and Demon disco ball

There's so much more awesome weirdness. Check out these sets:

There is so much other crazy shit going on in this movie like killer trees (not the Evil Dead rape-y kind), birdmen, fire breathers, etc. I advise you to watch this immediately.

If not for yourself, do it for him.

Jason Pai Piao is Amazing.

Bai Ling might be batshit crazy, but she's a heck of an actress.

2009-07-01T16:52:00.000-07:00

I don't know what my problem is, but I just watched "Dumplings" for the first time. It's one of the segments filmed by three excellent Asian directors for the film "Three Extremes". This one is directed by Fruit Chan, but don't let the name fool you. It is brutal. Not in a blood 'n guts kind of way, but in an "oh the humanity" kind of way.

I don't want to give anything away, but "Dumplings" is about dumplings. Yep.
But what kind of dumplings? Pretty much the most awesomely disgusting kind!
I really enjoyed it, but my biggest (and most pleasant) surprise was how awesome Bai Ling was in it. I have really only seen her looking slightly ridiculous at random celebrity gatherings or red carpets, but I swear, I'll never make fun of her again. In fact, I'm kind of (totally) into her. Well played Bai Ling. Well played.

Godzilla hates Uggs.

2009-04-13T20:55:00.001-07:00

The baffling film that is "Shogun's Ninja".

2009-03-19T18:21:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to take a moment to talk about a movie that I kind of like, but am not sure why. The film is called "Shogun's Ninja" and stars Hiroyuki Sanada, Tetsuro Tamba and Sonny Chiba. The back of the DVD explains the film like so:

Hideyoshi , a power hungry warlord, sends his war commander, Shiranui to the Momochi fort to destroy the Momochi Clan, the Iga ninja group and obtain it's hidden gold. Two daggers tell where the hidden gold is located. One is in the possession of Sandayu Momochi, head of the Momochi family...but who has the other. Midst the fierce war with the Koga force, another ninja faction, all of the Momochi clan is killed except for Takamaru who escape overseas. Ten years later, he returns for revenge.

There it is, grammar mistakes and all. But this doesn't even begin to do justice to the films weirdness, which is why I decided to compile a list of some of the films best WTF moments.

5) Shiranui's accomplices that he apparently made out of parts of himself. Which parts? The creepiest parts, apparently.
May I add that their strange wigs and pinch attack really freak me out?

4) Ultimate badass Etsuko Shihomi's character (which honestly has very little reason for being in the movie except to show off her awesome nunchuck skills) totally just rips her pants. Why? Comic relief I guess. It makes me feel vaguely uncomfortable.

3) Hattori Hanzo (the famously heroic samurai) beating the living shit out of his "sister". Why? She fell in love with the dancing ninja. And who wouldn't!
The weird thing is that his sister is so unlikeable, you kind of don't mind.

2) Master (Tamba) is killed by pupil, to which the master says:
Most excellent.

1) The mysterious ninja dance. Ever see a ninja dance before? Neither had I, until I watched this fine film!

I think the best part is when I noticed (while screen capping this) that this guy is totally laughing:

Check that guy out! He loves it!

There is so much more weirdness in this movie that I recommend you check out for yourself. But here's a little taste:

The music is very different on the DVD, but you get the picture.

Shadow Warriors (Kage No Gundan): Most Butt-kicking Show Ever?

2009-03-03T18:15:00.000-08:00

Welcome to The Ninja Squid!

Hattori Hanzo

I was ecstatic when I got my Shadow Warriors box set in the mail yesterday. The concept of 7 disks with 27 episodes of samurai, ninja, nudity and bloody battles was pretty exciting.
I am definitely not disappointed. This show was originally released in 1980 by Toei, and is the first of a series done over the next few years.

Hanzo and his clan

Sonny Chiba plays Hattori Hanzo, the leader of the Iga ninja clan in feudal-era Japan. He disguises himself as a sometimes ridiculous bath-house owner while secretly keeping peace and discovering the treacherous plots of scheming officials, and a rival clan.

Etsuko Shihomi as a very foxy ninja

The action in the series was done by Sonny's own Japanese Action Club, so it's also cool to see some familiar butt-kicking faces. I highly recommend it!